Reality. Its not something I am overly good at. Which of my ideas are valid and sound. Which are completely insane and made up in my head? Which do I act upon? I know all this about myself... .but that doesn't make my choices any easier... just more variables in the equation.

Paul was home sick but had a computer job to go to at 7. I was supposed to have dinner at my grandmas after work. So, I called off and went home to care for him, make dinner before he went to said job. But when I got home, these kind hearted plans fell apart and my paranoia kicked in.. or did it...

He took a shower right away.. then he was on the phone... so on and so on. So, it was now 545 and the dinner discussion had not begun. He got off his phone call and came to tell me that he was heading out. "Heading out??? what for your job isn't till 7". "Ya but I want to stop and grab something to eat" "ummm.... ok, I was gonna make something" "I just feel like going out" ...... then he heads back to computer room.... he's typing obviously in a chat window... my assumption- to someone he is going to have dinner with - after I canceled MY plans to come home and make dinner!!!! He comes to say bye... I was cold and let him know why I was angry, that I canceled my plans to come home and make dinner since he was sick and now he is running off to "grab a bite to eat" for a god damned hour (didnt mention to him I was certain it was with someone else) His response..... "I didnt ask you to come home" OHHHH is that how it is... well then... just fucking go. He then meekly attempts to invite me to dinner with him... I respond with"just you?" he didnt catch it, or chose not to pick that one. What ever.

I just dont know what to do. Should I trust my gut? Its lead me astray so many times before. But then whats the alternative? Wait around to be the fool? Fuck! Am I looking for something to be wrong so I can escape? Run away like I do. Too afraid of failure to try? Then he goes.... I spend the night bawling and contemplating suicide... not because Im all that upset or sad or mad... just cause I dont want to deal with anything anymore. Most the time when I think about dieing.. its more because I am lazy then anything else.... I dont want to get up anymore. I don't want to try anymore.... No... its not lazy so much.... Its more like... I don't want to put in all this effort and get nothing in the end. I feel that way in general about life.

If I KNEW for certain that getting up everyday and going on and on, taking a shower, cleaning my room, going to work...etc.. would eventually lead me to a happier state surrounded by people I love and contention... Id do it. Im not opposed to hard times as long as there is the hope of better ones to come.... The problem is... life has been going down hill for so long now, that all I can imagine is that I will be old one day, alone, poor, sad, and miserable- AFTER actually trying all my life to be happy. THEN its so hard to get up and keep going. I need hope. I need promise. I need to believe its going to get better, problem is... I just don't. ANd then what- keep going for the SAKE of going. Keep going to just check and SEE if it gets better- I want to know the odds. I want the stats. I want to weight the chances against the daily cost and decide if its worth it. But there just aren't any available.