Im in an aweful funk. I tried to sleep it away. But that didnt work. So I have come to this dusty place to type because im unable to think inside my head these days.

Ok, so, a week befor my birthday my eye started to get blurry. Each day a little more blurry... but, I didnt want to go. Or, I thought it was because of the exhaustion of working two jobs and still managing to party like a rockstar quiet often inbetween.

Finally, I had to go.. after many many doctors and many many pokeing and proding in my eye... they tell me I have one of several diseases.. aids, syph, herpes, or leopracy... yes.. this is what they told me.

They drew blood and said see ya in a couple days. Of corse, I went insane. Come the couple days... and they say I have nothing, not one of the 20some blood test they ran came up with an explination for what is happening in my eye.

They showed me the pictures they had taken.. it looks like a cloud in the black center of my eye. They have had me dropping extremly expensive steroid eyedrops in there every couple hours for weeks now.. my vision is only slightly better.

Their "working therory" - IE they have NO idea and are just gonna keep guessing while my medical bills have now racked up into the thousands.. but they are currently certain that I have something called cogans syndrom.

However, they were certain I had syphilus too so... I have looked this disease up and I have absolutly none of the syptoms except for the internal infection of my cornea. so... I am really unsure if I will return any of their calls and go in for my next appointment. I think I am their freak of the month. If I had tons of money or good insurance... sure, search for your zebras all you like. But i dont.. and other then my eye, I have nothing else wrong with me.

I am quiting smokeing again.. this time I have help, welbutrin. I am 4 days into it... the panic attacks are intense.. but, on top of trying to quit I have a lot going on so.. I guess its to me understood.

Paul and I are.. seeing each other exclusivly? Or, thats the title I have heard his state. I dont know what to think on that front... I wish I had a crystal ball. I mean, ive been so sure befor.. how do I know if my doubt is real, or just fear. I think im at the... sit back and see stage with it.

I hate the kitten in my house... its demonic. I have to get rid of it before it kills me. Serious.. it attacked my throat last night. Its pure evil.

I cant even think about buying a truck now, not with a giant medical bill hoovering over my head like an anvil in a cartoon.

I just needed to vent. Im in such a negative funk.. and I cant shake it off.