Can you believe that my last painting is too graphic for photobucket to allow!? wtf. I had to host it on geocities instead- seriously.

I havent been writting here. I dont have much to say lately. I feel numb. I just work and work and try not to feel anything.

Free time is a dangerous thing. It starts out relaxing and simple. Perhaps a television program or a hot bath. The first few minutes are task oriented. Then you are all set up and begin to relax.. but next comes a lul in activity... which leads to free space in your head. Space to allow thoughts to grow inside of...

Ah.. the bath.. so relaxing.. i should shave... may as well.. i like shaveing cream its fun first its clear then white- how do they do that its wonderful... my legs seem smaller.. i think i will be down another 5 by monday.. i dont think this vibrateing razor does anything different other then make noise and make me think its better... thatll be nice i can wear that new dress... its takeing so long though.. its cause im weak willed... thats why im alone.. im so old.. look at my hands they look like a 40 year olds seriously wtf tanning too much maybe? no im still so white... think he didnt love me because im fat or because i look old?... i wonder if he ever misses me or thinks of me ... probley not... i was nothing but icky to him in the end... i miss him though.. i hate him... all that for this.. i didnt need this at all... i was doing just fine being sad all by myself.. quit whining thats all you ever do is dwell on shit you cant let go of.. its pathetic.... i should shave my arm pits... why you never go swimming or have sex anymore... god its been forever... a sure sign im getting old... i hardly even masturbate anymore.. why is that.. i wonder if im depressed.. like clinically... i dont do anything anymore... maybe im just lazy... youre not lazy you work 70 hours a week... ya and then i blew 300 on that ferret.. wtf is wrong with me.. im supposed to be digging out of debt.. ya but you have to have some fun or youll go mad... I lack disipline... isnt that what he told me.. did he really think that or did he just like to jerk off to the idea of beating a woman.. i hate men.. disgusting selfish pigs thats all I ever find... maybe i should just give up all together and become a monk.. at least i wouldnt be alone then.. and id have purpose.. god im degenerate.. come from trash.. i probley just think I am not .. but i am.. look at me yesturday.. wtf... could you be any more obnoxious.. way to make an impression.. jesus and thats just the shit i can remember.. god did sean call during that.. fuck i was suppose to call him .. im an aweful friend.. i hope hes better... god i just suck at everything... im a bitter evil person... i want to care and I do care but maybe i dont because if i did wouldnt i have made the time to call him back.. but jen was here and then you were there there was no time.. i could have stepped outside and called... he did it for me when I was down..hes a better friend then me.. hes a good person.. shes such a bitch... if I was there I think id rip into her.. wtf sean is so good to her... god im depressed... maybe thats why i cant give as much to anyone right now.. im too consummed by keeping my head afloat...youre only as happy as you want to be.. what a load of bullshit... who the fuck pays for that! fucking hallmark therapist.. people with feet that big should be sent away from the rest of us... good lord.. my bathrooms a fucking mess.. and i need to get some grocerys like tomorrow ok... im so tired though wouldnt it be nice to sleep like an entire weekend away.. ugg my arm hurts.. this is all my doing... its cause im getting old.. or cause im fat... or cause im depressed.. maybe just lazy.. fuck it im going to bed.

Now how fucking relaxing is that!??? its not! I just work.. free time is dangerous.