well, my night sucked, but I feel pretty liberated today. I drew a line in the sand with Paul. I actually set a date. Just a recap: I started dateing him the begining of last jan- he had been divorced for a couple months. we spent the spring being on again off again. I wanted a commited relationship- he didnt know what he wanted.

the last time we broke up it was for 2 weeks right around the 4th of july. he told me he loved me and didnt want to loose me thats when he told me to move in with him. we agreed to a 6 mo trial period in which we would decide if we were able to live together and move forward. since then- its like a teeter totter- one week he is super affecionet, talks about the future and children and plans... the next week he tells me he doesnt know what he wants and treats me like a roommate.

ive told him that my patience is nearing its end. we have been dateing 10 months, liveing together for 4 of them and he still cant even tell me he loves me. he said it that one night to get me to go back out with him I guess.. because hes never said it since and there is alway this underlying uncertainty about us. I hate it. I need some stability.. I need more. He tells me he cares about me... thats all he says he can know he feels for sure. well, thats great and all, but we are so stagnent now that I live there because there is less risk I will break up with him in his mind. so, i sit here and take his morsels of attention and try to make due with them. well, im done.

I told him that when the six months is up- we will have been dateing for a year- if he doesnt know how he feels about me by then- he never will and I have to go. I told him our options are- 1) we move forward in our relationship - ie I move upstairs and we actually live together and we begin plans for a future together- or 2) I move out. This cake and eat it too shit is done. He gets what he wants out of the relationship- I get none of what I need. I feel used and im not giveing him any more time.

I have been trying to be patient and understanding about his divorce and the uncertainty he feels -but at some point you have to move on and decide what you want in life.

I do love him and want to be supportive etc- but I have to put me first sometime- no one else is gonna do it. I need more, I want more, and if he cant give that to me- I have to move on. I think a year is more then a fair attempt at it.

I told him all this last night. He said he understood. He said some things that made me think we will continue on and some things that made me think we will be done. I dont know. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him to get his shit together and make a descion- maybe not. But at least I set a definate time frame on it-
It seems Ive spent most my life waiting for someone to love me back- I think im finally figuring out how destructive and self depreciating that is.

and no, I cant get my spell checker to work- deal with it.