Well, had my first night of training up at mayo. Actually its on the Saint Marys campus. There are 6 buildings connected together that I must learn. I had to do so many things that were hard for me. By the time I got home my brain was on stand by and I just tried not to think too much and crash out.

I had to go in elevators so many times I felt like I was still moving when I layed down. I had to walk right next to windows way up high. I had to touch sick people. I had to touch naked people. I had to talk to people. I had to touch so many things. It was awful. All of this, I keep telling myself, is good for me. When we are stuck in a rut of our daily life and able to avoid uncomfortable situations. Those uncomfortable feelings slowly turn eventually into obsession. See... I dont normally touch sick people- and I am still alive- therefore in my mind, if I start touching sick people- I will die.

No, I know it makes no sense. I know its irrational. I know all this. Doesnt stop the fear or anxiety or panic or shaking or knots in my stomach or endless scrubbing of my hands and holding my breath everytime I passed a room with a quarantine sign up. Logic doesnt stop the stutter I am developing when I try to talk to new people. It doesnt stop the overwhelming fear that I am going to push them down a flight of stairs by accident. Ya, there are doors that would be hard to maneuver a wheel chair through to push them down the stairs, but still, im passing these doors and almost incapacitated with fear that somehow someway I will push them down the stairs if I am not paying attention.

Today my feet hurt from walking for many hours straight. My body aches from pushing heavy carts around. And my hands hurt from the constant wringing and squeezing the handles of the carts too tightly. And then you worry that because you are hanging on so tight your hands will suddenly lock up and you will loose your grip and away they will smash into a wall... I could go on, but a few inches ago you got the picture. AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGggg .