cat is high. second one doesnt do catnip.

fuck. im so fed up right now with so much. mostly me. I beat the shit out of myself last night... literally. just cause I needed to hurt more. Then today each time the bruises hurt I relished in it. I get in these modes where regret and anger at myself are so overwhelming I actually feel seperate from me. I want to punish me- in a tangable form. As if I am one of those religious folk I see on tv that beat their backs with nails and shit to purify themselves.

I always go to the same place.. all this time later. As if all in life would be ok now if... then I spend the day rumageing through boxes of things I should have burned a long time ago. As if touching them somehow makes it all real again. It was real.. wasnt it? I dont know anymore. Couldnt have been. Does the regret make me wiser and humbled, or forever in pain and unsure of all I do.

funny, I sat down here tonight to change my layout. Its been this one for so long. I felt like I wanted to change it. Instead I just wrote the same words I have been writting forever. I wonder if I was broken hearted and dramatic in all my previous lives too? I wonder if I had diarys? Have I been mopping in self loathing and self pity for all eternity? Maybe.