I had written a big blog about how lonely and sad this day is without the one I love, wondering what he is doing and if he is happy with his new love.

But I deleted it. I refuse to do this anymore, it does nothing but hurt and prolong the hurt. Instead, hopeful jamie will try my best to focus on the present, but even that isnt as peachy as I would like it to be.

Paul got back from NY yesturday. We went out to dinner and tonight we are seeing each other, although, not sure what kind of plans he has. I mean, it seems too soon to really celebrate vday in a big giddy way. But I did get him a shirt. I dont know. One day he seems to want this to continue to develope, and the next he makes some comment that wells the tears up in my eyes with fear that I am wrong about him. I fear I will end up hurt by all this. Im sure thats my past dealings with men influenceing my trust of new ones, but what else can you do when we are talking about protecting your heart. I think you have to hope for the best, but prepare for and expect the worst. Its the only safe way. As if cynicism is a giant condom over your heart, protecting it from the evil that men do.

Well, this entry didnt end up being very optimistic at all. That was the plan. What ever.