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last year.......

Being that the end of the year is nearing I have decided to take a look time line wise of 2005. (long entry - read if you're bored, if your not currently, then come back when you are)

Lets see.....

Janruary 2005... I was living in a great apartment downtown.. that I LOVED. I drove by it a couple of weeks ago and nearly cried. It had hardwood floors, high high ceilings and a claw foot bathtub. In fact I took a bath in that tub before I moved in, before I had signed the lease. After they showed me the place I snuck in one night with my bubble bath and salts in tow, locked the chain from the inside and bathed in that claw foot tub.

Part way through January I got a part time job waitressing to try and dig my way out of debt. I had it pretty good in that place and at the second job. I was bringing home about 400 extra bucks a week and really liked where I lived, but I was still so hung up on Todd, still sobbing uncontrollably over him... still begging and crying on the phone every night, still hopeing...So, I couldn't see that my life was improving in other areas, everything just seemed so pointless and miserable.

February..same two jobs, same great apartment, cept the Todd issue had developed into a full blown suicidal depression. Ya, spent a weekend somewhere very special that month. I was just thinking last night though that the scar is getting less and less noticeable. I have been putting vitamin e oil and lavender oil on it couple times a day for about 6 months straight- its faded to where it looks several years old instead of barely one year. I painted a lot that winter and I tried so hard to drag myself back up to my feet emotionally.

April...more of the same depression with Todd.. but we had much less contact by then.... I would like to say it was improving but that could have been the lithonate too. April was a good time for me otherwise. I was doing well financially and actually started moving on a little bit. I had traded my little escort for a great big van, tore out the inside and built an awesome rack inside that holds both my kayaks and has tons of storage plus a bunk to sleep on. Otherwise, I was saving my moneys so that I could move back to California and live with my father. I felt like I needed a change in my life, a major one.. and I am sure on some level I hoped being closer to Todd would somehow make a difference to him. It didn't of corse.

May... I quiet working at my day job and moved in with my grandma. I had given my apartment manager 2 months notice to be kind, but they instead told me I could kindly be out in mid may. So, I lived out of some boxes at granny's. I stayed working at the waitress gig for a few more weeks. I spent my days resting. I had worked from 6am to 10 pm for many months having two jobs and was beyond worn out by then. After sleeping for something like a week straight, I started kayaking again with my new found time off. I hung out with my friends as much as I could since I would be leaving soon. Then I loaded the van and took off for California.

June.... The trip to cali had been decent. Some minor issues with the van and way too much time to think. I decided to give up on Todd. To move on. Not that I really managed to do this for another 6 months or so. But, I started the recovery at least. When I got to my dads nothing was like I had thought it was going to be. For one, my father had told me I would have my own room at his place... ya, but he didn't mention that it was the laundry room, sewing room, office and sometimes band rehearsal room as well. SO, I had a wall of my own with a bed and absolutely no privacy. Also, my half brother Ed, sells chronic, so, it wasn't long.... and combine my depression with free drugs and no job.... ya. I started off slowly, but it got a pretty good hook into me before the end of the summer. I spent many a day just laying in a hammock, stoned out of my gourd, day dreaming.

I did get to preform live with my father a lot. That was great and a major needed boost to my self esteem. My absolute favorite memory is singing the Picture duet with my father- not the first time, as he had to learn the song, but later, when we had it down and it sounded so damn good. For the most part, we have a hard time harmonizing, he wants me to sing higher then him, but I am not comfortable up there and don't have enough control, so, a duet was a perfect fit for us.

July... Still in California, I finally found a job at a photo lab. It was fun and I enjoyed it, but they just couldn't give me enough hours for me to make ends meet. My fathers health continued to decline and I didn't have any friends at all that I had met. I was growing more and more restless and regretted my move. I managed to go to a bar one night all by myself, something I had never done. It was weird, but I ended up hanging out with some crazy lady and her friends. But the whole night just reminded me of how much I didn't fit in there.

I had been looking forward to California because I loved the valley so much. But my father lives in Paso Robles which is more north, now, and its a completely different lifestyle and not a place for me. Everyone was rich and wore cowboy hats. Wine tastings and horses. I tried to like it there, and for a moment I thought I was starting to fit in, even got a cowboy hat. But everyone was so fake and you could smell it in the air. I spent most my time at the beach alone, thinking. Kayaking and boogie boarding the pacific. Hiking in the hills and shopping in the little beach towns. My supply of money was running out and my options were limited. But they were about to get a whole bunch more limited.

August... We were all living on a ranch owned by my fathers new wife's son.... so, I was expected to be gracious and helpful on the ranch. Things were going well, I helped with the new fence for the cattle and I helped with some of the animals. But something just wasn't right. Forth of July weekend I discovered why the veil of evil felt so heavy there. The ranch owner, my fathers wife's son, got in a huge screaming match with his wife. They went inside and I know she got beat. I had befriended her since I moved in and of corse told her she should leave him and get the hell out of danger. Well, this caused a ton of tension between me and the ranch owner. Soon, after she started standing up to him and threatened to leave, I was not welcome to stay anymore. My father was kind of in the middle of the situation, and being so ill, completely dependant upon his new family. So I had to leave.

My van would never make it back to Minnesota, that was sure. My father did what he could to help me. I needed a new radiator, tires and much else. I started packing up to leave and the ranch owners wife knocked on my door asking me to let her go with. Her name is Cathy and she is so fragile and small, yet sometimes she would speak as if at one time had been a great fire within her. I had taken her kayaking in lake Nacimento once, she was so happy to be away from the tyranny of her life for a day. She wanted to go again, but her going the one time had resulted in a nasty fight with her husband. He would prefer she stay home cleaning and cooking all day with no contact of the outside world and no life of her own. I felt so bad for her and knew that she just needed some support, and then she would fly away from there. So, I packed her into the van with me and we took off in the afternoon.

It was an awful trip. Unbelievable hot out. One valley we crossed it was 120. My van has no air conditioning and I had put all the money I could, plus some my father loaned me in the van already. So, with misting bottles and very few clothes, we trudged along the 3 day trip from hell. I thought at one point my dog was going to die. It was unbearable. Everything inside the van melted, make up, lotions, everything. It was just so hot. On the last day of the trip my ankles swelled up so bad I couldn't drive. I was in tears they hurt so much. I was drinking water as fast as I could, but I was just dehydrated and exhausted. Cathy couldn't drive much of the trip at all because she got so sick. I got a total of 4 hours sleep in a 56 hour journey. I don't really remember how we got through it. I remember falling asleep in a reststop bathroom because I made the mistake of closeting my eyes for just a moment to make them stop burning. Cathy hung out with me in for about a week and then went on to Chicago to stay with an old friend. We have stayed in touch.

Sept... I started back to work at my old job, I was lucky to get it back. I got to keep my seniority and pay but my supervisor rank had been given to someone else already. I was living at my granny's again for about a week when my mothers father died. I had only met him a handful of times as my grandmother remarried before I was even born. Anyways, he left my mother a reasonable amount of money and she wanted to help me out. I just hated the idea of another apartment, I had taken my cat and my dog back from the people that were watching them and didn't want to give them up again. But my ex-husband still hadn't sold our old house, so my credit was shot. My mother bought a trailer for me out in Chatfield. Its a shithole little town about 20 min from Rochester. The place is decent, 2 bedrooms and a good sized lot with trees. But it is still a trailer. I have fixed it up nicely but started looking casually for a house in town. I figure another 6 months of living there and I will have enough saved up for a down on a house.

October...... was a busy month. I worked as much as I could and painted a lot. I also decided to start dating again. I had a friend on-line that had showed some interest. So, mid October, I went on my first date in nearly a year. He ditched me half way through and went home with a friend of mine. So, needless to say, I was hurt. Not so much by the loss of him, as I barely knew him yet, just that my first attempt back out in the dating world was such a monstrous failure. My family, overly happy I had stopped mopping around over Todd, and at least considered finding happiness somewhere else, decided to attempt hooking me up with people they knew. The last week in October I went on 2 dates with a friend of my uncles, his name was Dave. He was real nice, but real dumb and a chore to carry a conversation on with. So, I told him we should just be friends. This month I also lost my dog. She started having seizures all the time and the vet told me she shouldn't be alone. Well, I work all day so I gave her to someone that could be with her all day long. I miss her so much.

November... Well, I hopped on the dating wagon for a bit again. I have a friend on-line named Chris and he is very sweet. So, he drove down here and we set out kayaking. Our date was a bit weird, but fun just the same. He gave me a coin as he knew I collected them, and I brought him a thermos of hot cocoa to drink. We sat on a beach talking until the sun was starting to set. Then we went to dinner. There just wasn't anything more then a friend spark there though. Next, I had a date with Rob. Rob turned out to be a giant liar and a major whore. He was Buddhist and a writer, so I thought he might have a soul. Our date was sweet, we drank coffees at a cool place and then walked around town talking. He kissed me before he left, but that would be the last time I saw him. I found out he was dating someone for over a year and just liked to cheat on her a bunch. So, I struck out yet again. Then in the middle of November I went to a concert. I met Mark there. We hit it off nicely and have gone on several dates since, but recently we discussed that he isn't interested in taking it beyond casual dating. So, again, I find myself single.

December... was the beginning of some nasty luck. My furnace went out and my pipes burst. Then my van broke down. I have been working a ton of overtime trying so hard to keep on top of the money costing problems that keep occurring. Nothing much else interesting other then a handful of fun nights out with friends have really happened this month. Christmas was depressing. Winter is so cold here, and I don't like the cold much. I miss kayaking and wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in April.

That's my year, wrapped up. It wasn't the best I have had, and not the worst. Sadly, I am no richer, no happier, and no more loved then I was a year ago. All I can say about this year positive is that I made many memories and some new friends that I hold dear. Other then that, it was just a very long year. And I look forward to this new one, I hope it goes a bit more smoothly and according to plan. To ensure this happens, I have made no plans.


Leave me a NOTE :)



Dec. 28, 2005






"Om Mani Padme Hum"




"Experience is a hard teacher - she gives you the test before the lesson."




"Be who you are and say what you feel because people who mind dont matter and people who matter dont mind."




"A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner"




"Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped."




"One must know that there is a path at the end of the road."




"Knowledge without courage is sterile."




"Do not injure what you can not kill."




"Life is short you say?- It is the longest thing we ever do."




"All victory breeds hate."




"Animosity does not eradiacate animosity"




"There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path."




"Time is what prevents everything from happening at once."




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