Well, another fucking holiday. I am at work. I was out walking a patrol and just mid hallway, down in the basement of 40, I started bawling uncontrollably. I feel shit on and dumped on and used and just AGGGGGGGGG!

I hate and I hurt. And I am so tired of it all. Im tired of thinking about all that I do not have in my life. I am so tired of keeping a smile on my face and hopeing it makes a difference some day. It doesnt. It only makes the explosions of pain that much more violent because they have to break through all the bullshit you have piled up there to keep everyone from knowing what a fucking mess you really are.

And you know what I feel the most.. pissed off at myself. Pissed off for all the mistakes I have made that have brought me to this miserable existance. I have had so many things right in front of me, and time and time again I have made the wrong choice. I hurt the right ones, and I beg the wrong ones to let me in. Now, they have all gone away.

I am so alone and so tired of me.