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fucking men

Well folks, I havent written about Mark much lately because I just dont know what to think about him. We both agreed in the beginning that we wanted to take it slow, but I dont think that we meant the same things.

I had a "talk" with him last time I was over. Asked him where he saw this going and what exactly we were doing. He told me that he was really comfortable with where we were at, and didnt know if he wanted it to change but was open to the possability of it.

WTF is that!!!

So, I teared up cause I am an emotional bitch, and told him I had misunderstood everything, that I thought we were moveing towards something serious. I wanted to leave. But then he got upset and didnt understand why I was mad, so, I tried to listen. He told me that he really liked me, wanted to keep seeing but just didnt want to lead me on thinking that we were definatly going somewhere, said nothing had changed, he just needed to make sure I didnt get hurt if we never progress any farther.

So, I told him since we were being honest about us, that a good friend with potential wasnt what I was looking for. I told him that I wanted to keep seeing him too, but if what I am looking for comes along, well, I wont pass it up for his maybes.

He understood, and our visit was odd. We are talking, I pulled back a whole bunch and he knows it. He started writting me more. I just dont understand men.

Anyhow. The reason I mention this all now is to explain my dilemma. I met someone we will call Eric last night. We hit it off great and flirted and danced all night long. I was at coyotes with jackie and tyler. Well, he asked me for my number at the end of the night and kissed me. Just on the lips like a peck. He was really sweet and cute.

But then I felt like I did something wrong by giving him my number, but I know I didnt since mark and I arent anything, but FUCK we kind of are, but damnit not really! So what do I do? Do I see keep seeing mark and accept a date from Eric, or if I accept a date from Eric, am I not supposed to see mark anymore? I have no idea. I dont want to give up on Mark if there is a chance we will go somewhere, because I like him that much, but if its never gonna go nowhere, well then I should jump ship! I need a crystle ball..

Its all so frustrateing. Im in a something with Mark, but what? To hear him talk we are just friends. But we end up kissing and makeing out everytime I see him. And he writes me every day, but then when I try to push it forward he pulls back and clams up like we are just friends.

Maybe I just dont know how to do this. I know other people casually see several people at a time, and they call this "dateing" But I dont work that way. I get my heart set on one and just cant put energy into anything else. HOw do I do that?

I dont want to sit in the house every night wondering if Mark is gonna pull his head out his ass soon. I really do like him and want to get more serious with him... but thats all a maybe on his part and I dont know how much longer I want to wait for him. We have been casually dateing for a couple of months. You would think he would know by now what he wants from me.

UGGGGG I HATE MEN!!!!!


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Dec. 17, 2005






"Om Mani Padme Hum"




"Experience is a hard teacher - she gives you the test before the lesson."




"Be who you are and say what you feel because people who mind dont matter and people who matter dont mind."




"A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner"




"Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped."




"One must know that there is a path at the end of the road."




"Knowledge without courage is sterile."




"Do not injure what you can not kill."




"Life is short you say?- It is the longest thing we ever do."




"All victory breeds hate."




"Animosity does not eradiacate animosity"




"There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path."




"Time is what prevents everything from happening at once."




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