today was extremely exhausting. i feel numb all over. i think i am in a downward spiral. if i could sit in front of a blank wall all day i would be fine.

i am haveing a time again with thee whole child rearing thing. my husband and i tried for about 6 months after we got married..and then it happened. i was pregnant. i was 9 weeks pregnant in fact. i only knew about it for 6 days before it was over. but those 6 days were an eternity. i have wanted children for so long now. on the 6th day after my pregnancy test i got violently ill and began bleeding. i was in the worst pain i have ever felt in my life.

i was rushed to the hospital and i underwent more tests then i ever want to again. in the end it was determined i had had an etopic pregnancy. this means that the egg came out my ovary and attached to my ovary instead of going down my tube. well dereks superman sperm made it all the way up there anyways and an actual life was growing on my ovary. well once it gets too large the body will regect it and abort.

I painted a painting about it you can visit at the link below..its titled Non-Viable.

Thats what the doctor said to me after all my ordeal."non-viable"...without even a drop of giving a shit...ive had mechanics come speak to me with more empathy over an oil leak than this doctor had about the loss of my unborn child.

i have a hard time thinking about it and we havent started trying again . it just doesnt seem fair. there are so many people that dont want children and they get pregnant left and right. and then those that want them the most have such a hard time it seems. i wrote a very small poem about it

What of the drug addict on the street,

Why is her baby healthy and sweet,

Whilst mine dries up on the toilet seat.